Saying Goodbye To A One Year Old.

I hadn't really thought of it that way.

Sure, I've thought about how time is flying. How it doesn't seem like 2 years since we held that perfect little person for the first time. I've often thought about how I will turn around and he will be going off to school. And I'll turn again and he will be driving a car. Another spin and he's in college. Married. Has a family of his own. And dizzy and confused I will sit and wonder - where did the years go? But it wasn't until I watched my husband walk out of our son's room on Tuesday night with tears in his eyes, that I realized what we were doing. 

"What's the matter?" I asked him. "Why are you about to cry?"

"Because I just said - 'goodnight my little one year old. I love you. I'm gonna miss you.'"

He was right. I was so caught up in the celebration of another year of life and fun and love with my son that I hadn't even thought about the fact that we were saying goodnight to our one year old for the very last time. That changed things. I held onto my husband, sobbing from a place deep within my chest. I didn't want to say goodnight to him. I didn't want to let him go. That year, and all of it's illuminating days are gone. We blinked and our child went from a crawler who looked at us with bright loving eyes to a runner that can now tell us that he loves us.

It has been such an amazing year. Our son has blossomed into the little toddler I always knew he would be. There is so much I love about him. I love that he loves to make us laugh. I love that every night before bed he gives me kisses between the crib bars, one kiss for each space, all the way down the crib. I love that his favorite song is a Coldplay song. That he passes out hugs like nobody I have ever seen, arms wide open. Even the cashiers can't help but come around their registers and give him that hug he was wanting. I love that his favorite characters are already the underdogs - like The Little Engine That Could. And I love that he is so full of life and light and energy.

But he is also full of hope and promise of things to come. And with the sadness of saying
goodbye to our one year old, also comes a silver lining.

Saying HELLO to our two year old.

“Be present in all things and thankful for all things.”
― Maya Angelou

Bridging the Gap

In light of my week, I wanted to share something that I came across today that gave me so much
encouragement as a mother, and I'm hoping that it might encourage other moms as well. 

First, let's backtrack. 

How did my week start?  

Well, I woke up one morning to the sounds of my child. It wasn't really a cry....more of like a frustrated moan. So I got out of bed to see what was going on. When I walked into his room, I saw him standing there, arms raised, ready to get out of his bed. He looked ok. He wasn't hurt and he started to smile at me as I came in closer. So I thought -ok, he's fine, probably just wanted to wake me up so we could get our day started, no big deal.

As I got in closer and wrapped my hands around him to pick him up, I noticed something odd. I could see more flesh color below his shirt than I normally see. I slowly raised it. That's when I noticed the diaper sitting over in the right side of his bed. You know, the one he took off of his body.  

The first thing that ran through my mind were the words DON'T PANIC. But of course, the next few things to run through it were - how long has this been off? did he pee anywhere? I'm washing all these sheets just in case. why did he take this off ? am I stepping in anything? check the floor, check the floor!!

And that's when I turned around and saw it. Yep... IT. He had gotten tired of it being in his diaper I guess, taken his diaper off, and thrown IT on the floor. You know that music that plays in a horror movie right when the main star sees something terrifying? That music played in my head. Yep. This really just happened to me. I'd be lying if I said I didn't take a deep breath, cringe, and slowly look up at the ceiling ... just in case. 

And if that's not enough to throw off your week, there's more. 

Like the meltdown we had after .. of all things ... taking his toothbrush away. I thought kids didn't even like to brush their teeth! My child can't get enough. He wants to walk around with his toothbrush. He wants to talk to his toothbrush. I'm excited that he loves doing it so much at such a young age, but I'm not too excited about the tantrum he throws when I decide it's time to put it away. Kicking. Screaming. Crying. Hyperventilating. The works.

Then I find out that my son is a hoarder. Yep. You read that right. I pull out the couch to mop underneath and I find a plethora of items he has hidden under there. They include: 6 blocks, 1 sock, 4 goldfish, 2 empty water bottles, 3 assorted balls, 1 I Love Lucy DVD (out of the case), a comb, 2 foam letters, 3 books, and a zebra. You'd think we have a huge couch. But no, it's the usual size. You'd think I haven't mopped in a year. But nope, hasn't been that long ago. How my kid gets everything under there, I'm not really sure. 

After that day, I needed to return a pair of shoes that I bought for a wedding that I ended up not needing. Unfortunately for me, the stroller was in my husband's car. It will be fine, I thought, I will just get one of those kid cars at the front of the mall, take care of what I need to and we'll be headed out.

So there I go, into the mall carrying my 30 lb child, a box of shoes, and my huge diaper bag. Only to find out that I went in on the complete opposite side of the kid cars. So I make my way over there, now sweating profusely and out of breath to see that it costs 5 dollars to rent one of those things. Are they crazy!?! But there was no way I could get this done with a child in my arms, or running around on his own. No way. So I get out my wallet. Nope. No cash. Of course not. I make my way back over to the side of the mall with the ATM machine and withdrawal some money. By this time, my child wants anything but to be in my arms and is squirming like crazy while I'm fumbling these other items in my hands. Did I mention I'm sweating? From this point, my experience was bound to be awful, so I picked my lowest option of withdrawal, $20, and headed to a few of the kiosks to see who had change. After about 10 minutes of that headache, I made it over to the cookie cake place and bought an Icee so that I could get a five dollar bill. It was a small victory to pop that five dollars in that machine and get my car. At first, I couldn't believe those things were $5. By that time, I would have paid a fortune for one. 

And that leads us to Sunday. The day that challenges me at motherhood beyond anything else I have experienced. You see, I tell all of these funny stories about my child throwing fits and well, throwing other gross things, for entertainment purposes on my blog .... but that's only about 5% of the time. The other 95%, he's the happiest, sweetest, most friendly, lovable, adorable kid I've ever known. He's strong, he's kind, he's amazing. It's just that he's still a baby, and he's a BOY and he's not around other children a lot. So when we go to church services, he thinks it's time to play. Yesterday morning, I thought we were READY. I mean, you would think that about 3 books with 100 pages each, some crayons, a bucket of goldfish (ok, so maybe not a bucket .... that's an exaggeration. More like a barrel),  a bag full of toys, and half of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich would be enough to keep your child still and quiet for a few minutes right? Well, once again I spent Sunday in the nursery *surprise* talking my son out of running into walls, reaching in the trash can, and getting in the faces of the other children just to say "hi!". It felt like a disaster. It's always the day when I need the most encouragement, and the day I'm hardest on myself as a mom. 

That brings me back to what I saw that encouraged me. It's exactly what I needed. I found it on a website called In the Mom Light that I stumbled upon when looking for something else. I'm so glad I did. 

I'm looking forward to seeing what adventures next week holds! 

Finding Joy In The Chaos

Let's get real. Being a mom is hard.

It's screaming fits in public. It's teething for a year straight.
 It's catapulting pancake pieces across the kitchen. {Oh, your kids don't do that?}

It's everything I never imagined it would be. and... luckily, it's

EVERYTHING I NEVER IMAGINED IT WOULD BE.

Recently I was reminded of a quote about the "4 things you can never get back"

The STONE after it's thrown.

The WORD after it's said.

The OCCASION after it's missed.

and the TIME after it's gone.

I struggle with joyful times as a parent. What I mean is, I almost always
 ruin that amazing, breathtakingly beautiful moment with my child when he
 reaches a milestone or does something hilarious, or when he just runs up and
wraps his arms around my neck.

I enjoy it, I do.... for a moment. And then the realization sets in deeper that before
 I know it, he won't want to blow me these kisses anymore. He won't be small
 enough for me to scoop up and tickle, and some day, I will no longer be the most
 important woman in his life anymore. It's just reality. So instead of getting to
 stretch out these joyful times with laughter and big smiles on our faces, I turn
 into a pile of goo with tears streaming down my face and before I even know
 it, I'm gripping on to my kid like a leach repeating please don't grow up,
 please don't grow up over and over again.

Ugh. It's a pathetic sight. Believe me.

But moms, the thing we need to realize is, they ARE going to grow up.
There's nothing we can do about THAT.

What we CAN do something about, is finding so much joy in the everyday
 chaos so that we get the very most out of the time we are given with
 these precious little gifts.

If you would have asked me as a newlywed how I would feel about pancake
 pieces with syrup on my kitchen floor, I would have shuttered at the
 thought. Ha! Not in my immaculately kept home. {or so it was in some
parallel universe called my imagination} But I've found that as a mom, you just
 can't worry about those things. If you do, before you know it, you are running
 to grab a wet cloth all while scolding your child and drowning out the sound
 of his laughter and missing the big beautiful smile on his face. Do I mean
 not to teach him table manners? Well, of course not. If your child catapults
 food at every sitting, I'd say it's probably lesson time. But if this is a one time
thing and you can find it within yourself to play along for just a minute, I urge
 you to find the joy in it.

I use this as an example because it happened this morning. As I was teaching my
 son how to hold the spoon and put the pancake in his mouth, he grabbed a
 hold of the end of the spoon, pulled it down with all his might and let go -
 causing the pancake to rocket across the room. My eyes got big and my
 mouth opened wide and he started laughing the sweetest laugh I've ever
 heard in my life. My first reaction was to say "No, Connor!" in my annoyed
 tone and get up to grab the flying shrapnel off of the side of the cabinet.
But I remembered part of the quote I had heard days before - the things
 you can't get back ... and that moment, was something that I could
never be given again. 

-So I embraced it.-

I laughed and laughed with him. I took another piece of pancake and shot it
 over his head. He died laughing. He kicked his legs in his little highchair
 and snorted. Sure, I might have a mess to clean up later. I might have to
 make one more pancake so that he has enough to eat. And no, he will
 never remember that fun morning with Momma when we
 shot pancakes across the kitchen, ...

BUT I WILL.

Yesterday we had to run some errands at the mall for a wedding I am
 in this weekend. I was a little nervous about how the day would go because
 I knew it would take me some time to find all of the things I needed,
and though my son is probably the friendliest kid I've ever seen - saying
 'Hi' and waving to everyone we pass and even blowing kisses to complete
strangers - he is still only one, and he still gets tired and irritable. 

We just made the most of it. I tried to find joy in the chaos all day, despite
 how tiring and stressful and hectic it all was. Though I needed to pick up
 most of these things for adults, I vowed not to make the day just about
 me while I had "a child inconveniently tagging along". We played in the
 fire trucks and cars. We met the Easter Bunny. We took photos in the
 photo booth. We ate lunch together and shared a fruit cup.

I could have just run in on a mission, got what I needed, shushed my
child with every person we passed and headed back home. It probably
would have been easier. But instead, we made memories.

It wasn't anything special. It hardly took any effort. But it was one of the
best days of my life. I know that's going to sound odd to some. Especially
 those whose lives are so exciting and adventurous and magical and don't
 include snotty noses and green beans spit into your hand.

So my advice to every mother-to-be or momma whose baby is still little
and has yet to learn to walk and talk and get into literally
 everything they see ....

Is to take a deep breath. To find joy in every moment.

 It's going to be a lot of work. You're going to have to do more physical
 labor than you want. You're probably going to break a sweat more
 than you hoped. You'll have to repeat the same silly things or
annoying songs over and over again just for a half of a smile.
 It means taking a detour on your shopping trips to let your kids
 just be kids. It means cleaning your kitchen (and your entire
house for that matter) more than you expected. And moms,
we're going to HAVE to get off of the internet and our cell
 phones. We're going to have to get off of Pinterest, and
Facebook, and Twitter, and Instagram, and our email, and our text
 messages and all of the other things that distract us during the day
 when our kids aren't napping and we should
be playing with and teaching them.

We aren't guaranteed another child. I think about that every day.
 And we surely aren't guaranteed another day with our little one.
This is the only one we're certain of. So I suggest we make the most of it.
We embrace the mess. We find joy in the chaos.

We send our children into their futures, knowing they are valued and loved.

...and if that means I have to clean up a few pancakes ... bring it on.

Children are the living messages we send
to a time we will not see.  ~Neil Postman