Finding Joy In The Chaos

Let's get real. Being a mom is hard.

It's screaming fits in public. It's teething for a year straight.
 It's catapulting pancake pieces across the kitchen. {Oh, your kids don't do that?}

It's everything I never imagined it would be. and... luckily, it's

EVERYTHING I NEVER IMAGINED IT WOULD BE.

Recently I was reminded of a quote about the "4 things you can never get back"

The STONE after it's thrown.

The WORD after it's said.

The OCCASION after it's missed.

and the TIME after it's gone.

I struggle with joyful times as a parent. What I mean is, I almost always
 ruin that amazing, breathtakingly beautiful moment with my child when he
 reaches a milestone or does something hilarious, or when he just runs up and
wraps his arms around my neck.

I enjoy it, I do.... for a moment. And then the realization sets in deeper that before
 I know it, he won't want to blow me these kisses anymore. He won't be small
 enough for me to scoop up and tickle, and some day, I will no longer be the most
 important woman in his life anymore. It's just reality. So instead of getting to
 stretch out these joyful times with laughter and big smiles on our faces, I turn
 into a pile of goo with tears streaming down my face and before I even know
 it, I'm gripping on to my kid like a leach repeating please don't grow up,
 please don't grow up over and over again.

Ugh. It's a pathetic sight. Believe me.

But moms, the thing we need to realize is, they ARE going to grow up.
There's nothing we can do about THAT.

What we CAN do something about, is finding so much joy in the everyday
 chaos so that we get the very most out of the time we are given with
 these precious little gifts.

If you would have asked me as a newlywed how I would feel about pancake
 pieces with syrup on my kitchen floor, I would have shuttered at the
 thought. Ha! Not in my immaculately kept home. {or so it was in some
parallel universe called my imagination} But I've found that as a mom, you just
 can't worry about those things. If you do, before you know it, you are running
 to grab a wet cloth all while scolding your child and drowning out the sound
 of his laughter and missing the big beautiful smile on his face. Do I mean
 not to teach him table manners? Well, of course not. If your child catapults
 food at every sitting, I'd say it's probably lesson time. But if this is a one time
thing and you can find it within yourself to play along for just a minute, I urge
 you to find the joy in it.

I use this as an example because it happened this morning. As I was teaching my
 son how to hold the spoon and put the pancake in his mouth, he grabbed a
 hold of the end of the spoon, pulled it down with all his might and let go -
 causing the pancake to rocket across the room. My eyes got big and my
 mouth opened wide and he started laughing the sweetest laugh I've ever
 heard in my life. My first reaction was to say "No, Connor!" in my annoyed
 tone and get up to grab the flying shrapnel off of the side of the cabinet.
But I remembered part of the quote I had heard days before - the things
 you can't get back ... and that moment, was something that I could
never be given again. 

-So I embraced it.-

I laughed and laughed with him. I took another piece of pancake and shot it
 over his head. He died laughing. He kicked his legs in his little highchair
 and snorted. Sure, I might have a mess to clean up later. I might have to
 make one more pancake so that he has enough to eat. And no, he will
 never remember that fun morning with Momma when we
 shot pancakes across the kitchen, ...

BUT I WILL.

Yesterday we had to run some errands at the mall for a wedding I am
 in this weekend. I was a little nervous about how the day would go because
 I knew it would take me some time to find all of the things I needed,
and though my son is probably the friendliest kid I've ever seen - saying
 'Hi' and waving to everyone we pass and even blowing kisses to complete
strangers - he is still only one, and he still gets tired and irritable. 

We just made the most of it. I tried to find joy in the chaos all day, despite
 how tiring and stressful and hectic it all was. Though I needed to pick up
 most of these things for adults, I vowed not to make the day just about
 me while I had "a child inconveniently tagging along". We played in the
 fire trucks and cars. We met the Easter Bunny. We took photos in the
 photo booth. We ate lunch together and shared a fruit cup.

I could have just run in on a mission, got what I needed, shushed my
child with every person we passed and headed back home. It probably
would have been easier. But instead, we made memories.

It wasn't anything special. It hardly took any effort. But it was one of the
best days of my life. I know that's going to sound odd to some. Especially
 those whose lives are so exciting and adventurous and magical and don't
 include snotty noses and green beans spit into your hand.

So my advice to every mother-to-be or momma whose baby is still little
and has yet to learn to walk and talk and get into literally
 everything they see ....

Is to take a deep breath. To find joy in every moment.

 It's going to be a lot of work. You're going to have to do more physical
 labor than you want. You're probably going to break a sweat more
 than you hoped. You'll have to repeat the same silly things or
annoying songs over and over again just for a half of a smile.
 It means taking a detour on your shopping trips to let your kids
 just be kids. It means cleaning your kitchen (and your entire
house for that matter) more than you expected. And moms,
we're going to HAVE to get off of the internet and our cell
 phones. We're going to have to get off of Pinterest, and
Facebook, and Twitter, and Instagram, and our email, and our text
 messages and all of the other things that distract us during the day
 when our kids aren't napping and we should
be playing with and teaching them.

We aren't guaranteed another child. I think about that every day.
 And we surely aren't guaranteed another day with our little one.
This is the only one we're certain of. So I suggest we make the most of it.
We embrace the mess. We find joy in the chaos.

We send our children into their futures, knowing they are valued and loved.

...and if that means I have to clean up a few pancakes ... bring it on.

Children are the living messages we send
to a time we will not see.  ~Neil Postman

Deeper, still.

We all have to face our own reflection.

I was sitting across the table from one of my girlfriends the other day, eating lunch and chatting about life. We got into our typical discussion about the kids, funny things they are doing, and how they are growing. Of course, that led to the subject of time and how old we are both getting. As she joked about my upcoming thirtieth birthday, she let me in on a little secret.

"You've had wrinkles for a while, though."

Yep.

That's what she said.

I just stared at her for a second. Waiting for her to bust into laughter, tell me she got me good, and what a horrified look I had on my face. But she didn't. She sat there, straight faced. And so I responded like any rational, sensible, unpretentious woman would:

"What? what do you mean wrinkles? When did I , how long have you .... what wrinkles? Where? I've never seen any wrinkles. What wrinkles?!?"

"The ones on the side of your mouth. Yeah, it's no big deal. I just thought since you are going to be in your thirties and all, maybe you should know."

I thanked her for the heads up and we laughed, and joked more about growing old, wearing girdles and dentures, and finished up our lunches.

I mean, I knew I would have wrinkles. One day. It's inevitable. We are all growing older and you can't stop it from happening. Well, some people try. But not me. I've always told myself that I would try to take aging as it comes. I would embrace it. I would consider it a display of wonderful years I have been blessed with and hold it as a souvenir of sorts of the memories I have collected over time. I guess I just didn't prepare myself for the early onset of that reality.

I have wrinkles. There, I said it.

My friend headed out that afternoon and I found myself in the middle of the rug on our living room floor again with Connor to see what we were going to play with next. I heard the tires on the gravel outside as she pulled away and a honk in the distance as she got further down the road.

32 seconds.

That's about how long I waited before I got up, walked into our bathroom, turned on the light and pulled my face to the mirror. Let me see these wrinkles.

She was right. There they were.

Deep, distinct lines on the sides of my mouth.

But I wouldn't consider those wrinkles. In fact, as I stretched my mouth out into a smile, I watched them get bigger and bigger, and deeper and deeper. They were smile lines.

I breathed a heavy sigh of relief and turned off the bathroom light, walked back into the living room with my son who looked up at me with the biggest grin on his face, and without a second thought, I smiled back at him.

You see, those are wrinkles I'm ok with. Those are lines on my face that have formed over the years because I have experienced indescribable happiness. And I fully believe that they will only continue to get deeper.

And it hit me.

Every wrinkle is ok with me. Every one. They all represent an emotion brought on by an experience that I have had the privilege of embracing. Even the immense sadness and frustration. The loneliness in an unsolved heart. The fear and anticipation of a future that turned out to be a beautiful present. Amusement and courage. Appreciation and hope. And of course, happiness. Some people wander through this life without letting themselves feel a thing. They are "rational people". They will tell you they don't let themselves get swallowed up with emotions. In fact, they can't remember the last time that they felt overwhelmed with heartbreak, or wrapped up with joy. They can talk themselves out of every wrinkle that would eventually find a home on their inexpressive faces.

But not me. I've allowed myself to feel. Really feel every bit of this life. And my face will show it.

And Lord willing, when I'm much older, when my bones are twisted and I'm all covered up in gray, my grandchildren will sit in my lap, touch my face, and study every line. And I will tell them stories of how those deep wrinkles got there. The trials that brought the ones that appear when I furrow my brow, the silly things my husband and children said and did that made me get the ones on the bridge of my nose, and most importantly, the ones on the sides of my mouth ...

The ones that will remind me, from this day forward, of all of the happiness that I have stumbled upon and soaked in.

I'm looking forward to the next time my friend comes over for lunch. I'm going to tell her that I know exactly what wrinkles she was talking about now ...

And that I try every day of my life to make them deeper, still.

  

Looks like morning in your eyes...

"It is only when we truly know and understand that we
have limited time on earth- and that we have no way
of knowing when our time is up, we will then begin to live
each day to the fullest, as if it was the only one we had."

-Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

MAKE IT COUNT.

Time Is All I Own...

So now we have to play the waiting game.

We went in to talk to the Endocrinologist today about Adam's full body scan and see if his cancer has spread to any organs. But he is not going to be able to do that scan, until he has been off of his temporary thyroid medication for at least 14 days. After those 14 days, that is when he will start his first dose of radiation treatment.It sounds like life might be really hard for him and a little bit hard for me too during this time. The treatment might make him sick, and it might also leak from his body, so he will have to watch where he sits, sleeps, take multiple showers a day, and so much more. They already have him on a no-iodine diet so that he can "starve his body of iodine" before the treatment. According to the doctor's handy dandy list that she gave us of things Adam CAN eat, there were pretty much 3 things. Poor Guy.

Also, during that time, he will be radioactive, so we will not be able to be within 3 feet of each other.

Seriously?... You're killing me Doc.

We won't be able to sleep in the same bed, kiss each other goodnight, or even hug. I'm really not sure how we are going to manage that. [refer to exhibit A. below]

Then after the first dose of treatment, we will do more blood tests and THEN the full body scan. And so we just hurry up and wait.

We also read that men taking radioactive iodine treatment might have problems with fertility later in life. So now, we are weighing our options about that and seeing if we want to take precautions so that we will have no problems getting pregnant when we are ready to start a family. Has anyone else ever experienced that before? I was wondering how expensive it is and what the "banking" process is like. So any feedback on it is welcome.

On a brighter note :

Adam is getting more fan mail than Hannah Montana.

I'm just sayin.

It really makes me happy, though, to know that so many people think the world of my husband. The picture that you see above is mail that we got out of the mailbox for 2 days. Imagine the pile we have here for the entire week. It's crazy.

And our friend Katlynn sent us these beautiful flowers when Adam got home from the hospital. It was incredibly thoughtful of her. Thank you, Katlynn.

A family from our church congregation made this sweet homemade card for Adam. The great art work is by an 8 year old boy named Jaden. Despite the size of that scary needle ... this card was very comforting! :) Thanks guys!

Again, thank you to EVERYONE who has emailed, called, texted, sent cards, and came by to see us. All we can do now is keep our heads up and wait for what is next.

I am so glad that Patience is a virtue, because we are about to get to test ours.

"Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us."

-Romans 5:3-5

Waiting and Hopeful...

Today I'm handing it over.

and I'm ok.

We will be ok.


Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
Philippians 4:6-7

We wait in hope for the LORD;
he is our help and our shield.

In him our hearts rejoice,
for we trust in His holy name.

May your unfailing love rest upon us, O LORD,
even as we put our hope in you.

-Psalm 33: 20-22