Finding Joy In The Chaos

Let's get real. Being a mom is hard.

It's screaming fits in public. It's teething for a year straight.
 It's catapulting pancake pieces across the kitchen. {Oh, your kids don't do that?}

It's everything I never imagined it would be. and... luckily, it's

EVERYTHING I NEVER IMAGINED IT WOULD BE.

Recently I was reminded of a quote about the "4 things you can never get back"

The STONE after it's thrown.

The WORD after it's said.

The OCCASION after it's missed.

and the TIME after it's gone.

I struggle with joyful times as a parent. What I mean is, I almost always
 ruin that amazing, breathtakingly beautiful moment with my child when he
 reaches a milestone or does something hilarious, or when he just runs up and
wraps his arms around my neck.

I enjoy it, I do.... for a moment. And then the realization sets in deeper that before
 I know it, he won't want to blow me these kisses anymore. He won't be small
 enough for me to scoop up and tickle, and some day, I will no longer be the most
 important woman in his life anymore. It's just reality. So instead of getting to
 stretch out these joyful times with laughter and big smiles on our faces, I turn
 into a pile of goo with tears streaming down my face and before I even know
 it, I'm gripping on to my kid like a leach repeating please don't grow up,
 please don't grow up over and over again.

Ugh. It's a pathetic sight. Believe me.

But moms, the thing we need to realize is, they ARE going to grow up.
There's nothing we can do about THAT.

What we CAN do something about, is finding so much joy in the everyday
 chaos so that we get the very most out of the time we are given with
 these precious little gifts.

If you would have asked me as a newlywed how I would feel about pancake
 pieces with syrup on my kitchen floor, I would have shuttered at the
 thought. Ha! Not in my immaculately kept home. {or so it was in some
parallel universe called my imagination} But I've found that as a mom, you just
 can't worry about those things. If you do, before you know it, you are running
 to grab a wet cloth all while scolding your child and drowning out the sound
 of his laughter and missing the big beautiful smile on his face. Do I mean
 not to teach him table manners? Well, of course not. If your child catapults
 food at every sitting, I'd say it's probably lesson time. But if this is a one time
thing and you can find it within yourself to play along for just a minute, I urge
 you to find the joy in it.

I use this as an example because it happened this morning. As I was teaching my
 son how to hold the spoon and put the pancake in his mouth, he grabbed a
 hold of the end of the spoon, pulled it down with all his might and let go -
 causing the pancake to rocket across the room. My eyes got big and my
 mouth opened wide and he started laughing the sweetest laugh I've ever
 heard in my life. My first reaction was to say "No, Connor!" in my annoyed
 tone and get up to grab the flying shrapnel off of the side of the cabinet.
But I remembered part of the quote I had heard days before - the things
 you can't get back ... and that moment, was something that I could
never be given again. 

-So I embraced it.-

I laughed and laughed with him. I took another piece of pancake and shot it
 over his head. He died laughing. He kicked his legs in his little highchair
 and snorted. Sure, I might have a mess to clean up later. I might have to
 make one more pancake so that he has enough to eat. And no, he will
 never remember that fun morning with Momma when we
 shot pancakes across the kitchen, ...

BUT I WILL.

Yesterday we had to run some errands at the mall for a wedding I am
 in this weekend. I was a little nervous about how the day would go because
 I knew it would take me some time to find all of the things I needed,
and though my son is probably the friendliest kid I've ever seen - saying
 'Hi' and waving to everyone we pass and even blowing kisses to complete
strangers - he is still only one, and he still gets tired and irritable. 

We just made the most of it. I tried to find joy in the chaos all day, despite
 how tiring and stressful and hectic it all was. Though I needed to pick up
 most of these things for adults, I vowed not to make the day just about
 me while I had "a child inconveniently tagging along". We played in the
 fire trucks and cars. We met the Easter Bunny. We took photos in the
 photo booth. We ate lunch together and shared a fruit cup.

I could have just run in on a mission, got what I needed, shushed my
child with every person we passed and headed back home. It probably
would have been easier. But instead, we made memories.

It wasn't anything special. It hardly took any effort. But it was one of the
best days of my life. I know that's going to sound odd to some. Especially
 those whose lives are so exciting and adventurous and magical and don't
 include snotty noses and green beans spit into your hand.

So my advice to every mother-to-be or momma whose baby is still little
and has yet to learn to walk and talk and get into literally
 everything they see ....

Is to take a deep breath. To find joy in every moment.

 It's going to be a lot of work. You're going to have to do more physical
 labor than you want. You're probably going to break a sweat more
 than you hoped. You'll have to repeat the same silly things or
annoying songs over and over again just for a half of a smile.
 It means taking a detour on your shopping trips to let your kids
 just be kids. It means cleaning your kitchen (and your entire
house for that matter) more than you expected. And moms,
we're going to HAVE to get off of the internet and our cell
 phones. We're going to have to get off of Pinterest, and
Facebook, and Twitter, and Instagram, and our email, and our text
 messages and all of the other things that distract us during the day
 when our kids aren't napping and we should
be playing with and teaching them.

We aren't guaranteed another child. I think about that every day.
 And we surely aren't guaranteed another day with our little one.
This is the only one we're certain of. So I suggest we make the most of it.
We embrace the mess. We find joy in the chaos.

We send our children into their futures, knowing they are valued and loved.

...and if that means I have to clean up a few pancakes ... bring it on.

Children are the living messages we send
to a time we will not see.  ~Neil Postman

Measure of a Woman: Part 2

"Surround yourself with people who are going to lift you higher." - Oprah Winfrey

With this month being Breast Cancer Awareness & Domestic Violence Awareness month, I have been thinking a lot about how blessed I have been to be able to work in the Non-Profit field for the six years after college, before I became a stay at home mom. The experiences that I have had and the people I have met have inspired me to change my main focus in life from seeking only my own happiness to trying to make a difference in the lives of others. They have taught me that this life is so much bigger than just me and if I don't give of my time and heart to others, I'm wasting a lot of it. I can no longer imagine a life deprived of volunteer work and the experiences that it brings.

With that being said, I decided to dedicate this post to 5 Women that I know, who have inspired me beyond belief. Their stories and their passion will amaze you. Thanks to these women, many people wake up to a brighter, more beautiful life every day. I really might have to turn this into a series, because fortunate for me, I know several women who have inspirational lives, and I would love to be able to introduce you to all of them, but for now I will start with these five. Five of the most truly giving and hopeful women I know.

Kristine



I first met Kristine Weaver when I began working at the American Cancer Society in January of 2009. The things I initially knew about Kristine were that she was the Government Relations Director for the East and Central Texas areas, and that she was a powerful advocate for the ACS Cancer Action Network. What I didn't initially know about Kristine, but came to learn, is that at 24 years old and a mother of three, she was told that she had stage IV colon cancer and that she had 3-6 months to live. She didn't let the news of the diagnosis defeat her. Instead, she thought about all of the things that she wanted to experience with her daughter and two sons, and fought and won her battle with cancer. Kristine has now celebrated 18 birthdays since the day she was told of her diagnosis. I have seen her work incredibly hard to ensure that our legislators make cancer a top national priority. I had the privilege of sitting down with Kristine one day for lunch before I left the ACS, and she was still just as optimistic and motivational as she was the day I first met her. Kristine has a sweet spirit, and when you combine that with passion and courage, you get a woman that others aspire to be like. Thank you, Kristine, for all you do for the American Cancer Society. Whether you realize it or not, you not only effect the lives of those who have been touched by cancer, but the lives of people who are looking for someone to admire and challenge them. I know without a doubt that you challenged all of us in the ETX Region to be better every day!  

Vicki

My life was blessed the day I met Vicki Barber. What a faithful woman. Before I ever met her and her son, Dylan, I heard their story and was immediately inspired. Dylan is battling Leukemia. Because of the type of chemotherapy treatment that he had to undergo, he also ended up with avascular necrosis. He has had to have blood drives and bone marrow aspirations. Despite everything that this family is going through, I have never seen either of them without those beautiful smiles on their faces. Not only do they endure the constant doctor visits and treatments, but they make it a point to go and visit and support other children going through the same thing. You don't meet a lot of people in life who have to go through such trials, who also give so much of their time and their hearts to others facing the same things. Vicki encourages others on facebook almost every day with inspirational words and Bible verses and Dylan is a hero in their community. Those of us who are continually trying to find a cure always talk about hope.  Well, if hope had a face, I think it might look a lot like Vicki Barber's.

Sondra

I first met Sondra White in College Station, TX back in 2004. I signed up to be a "buddy" for a child playing Challenger Baseball through Project Sunshine. The young child with Down Syndrome that I got to "buddy", and who completely stole my heart, was six year old Quentin, Sondra's son. I haven't seen Sondra in years, but her impact that she has made for Texas A&M as the Marketing Communications Manager, and all of her volunteer work for the Down Syndrome Association of Brazos Valley is evident all over the social media that we use to keep in touch. Just in the last month she has raised over $3,000 for the Down Syndrome Association of BV because people can't help but love her and her precious son, Q. There are just some people in this world that were born to make a difference, and you can tell that Sondra is one of those people. If you would like to help Quentin reach first place for the 9th Annual Buddy walk, you can find out how: here.

Cassie

I met Cassie McQuitty back in 2006 when I worked as a legal advocate and law enforcement liaison for women and children of domestic violence and sexual assault. At the time, Cassie was working in the police station in Mabank, Tx giving hope and safety to women who were trying to get away from their abusers. Immediately I admired and respected Cassie for her strong work ethic and her passion to help others. She soon left the Crisis Center that we were both working for, but went on to continue in the non-profit field and became the Senior Vice President and Chief Development Officer at United Way. Along with being a mother of two beautiful girls, she continues to inspire others daily and make a difference to impact our future generations. Cassie and I have kept in touch over the years and I am so proud to see what she is doing with United Way. I know that her contagious and bubbly personality have probably helped her tremendously when moving up the ladder of success. What else I think has helped her, however, is her heart for others. Aside from being completely inspired by Cassie, I feel incredibly blessed to call her friend.

Kathy

And last, but certainly not least, is Kathy. I had heard of Kathy Baker, the legend, an amazing volunteer for the American Cancer Society, long before I finally got to meet her and even longer before she actually technically became "my" volunteer. I knew she was a huge part of the success of the Relay For Life of VanZandt County and had done great things in Smith County, as well. Kathy is a survivor of fallopian cancer, and also of breast cancer. Her husband, Keith, is also a cancer survivor - of skin cancer and prostate cancer. Despite all of the challenges that Kathy has faced, she continues to be the face of the fight against cancer in Smith County. She has been the Event Chair of several Relay For Life's, survivor chair, sponsorship chair, and much more. She has served on our East Texas Regional Council for Relay For Life for several years and also serves on the Board for the ACS and has been President, with which she did an outstanding job. Kathy's entire family is focused on defeating this horrible disease and finding a cure. Her husband, sisters & her sons and daughter in laws have all been on the committees of Relay For Life throughout the years, and she even has a daughter in law, Ashley, that works for the American Cancer Society with whom I have become really great friends. It's evident that Kathy not only inspires her entire family to get involved in this cause, but everyone in the community that she lives in. People like her change the world and make me feel lucky to know such an amazing woman who gives hope to those fighting just by hearing her story. There isn't just one word to describe what Kathy Baker represents to me, there are many : Strength. Courage. Passion. Compassion. Hope. ...and more than anything, Inspiration. Thank you, Kathy, for all you have done in the fight against cancer. And all you have done to change the lives of those who have been so blessed to know you.

... On Soul Mates



I was talking with one of my friends the other night about a very complex topic. One that most people don't even like to delve into because of the heaviness of its reality. And she, being a little older and never married, wanted to know my opinion on the subject.

After a few minutes of tiptoeing around the question I know she was dying to ask, probably afraid of my answer, she just came out with it.

"Do you believe in soul mates?"

She wanted me to say yes.

I could feel it. Through the phone, miles away, I could sense her holding her breath. Closing her eyes. Hoping. Not because it would really make a difference what MY opinion was. But because she has been told NO for so long, she just needed some hope again.

She wanted me to tell her that long before I ever dreamed of a marriage, my path was already set. And that path was to meet Adam, fall in love, and live happily ever after. And she wanted me to tell her, that I truly believed, that the same thing was going to happen for her. That the other half of her soul was out there,  just waiting to be found.

And so I sat there.

On the other side of the phone ... in silence. The last thing I wanted to do was get her hopes up or to let her down.

So I asked her to let me think about it. Really think about it. To take it seriously. To research it. To study it. To see what I could find. Not just what my "hopeless romantic" heart wanted to abruptly answer. Not just the words that I thought would comfort her. But what I really feel to be true.

So after a lot of contemplating these last few days, studying, and researching, here is what I've decided.

Do I believe in Soul Mates?

Yes.

... Kind of.

But not the "soul mates" that society believes in. Not the kind you see in the movies.

I don't think that it necessarily has to be a romantic thing.

In fact, I think that the phenomenon of soul mates can occur with many different types of relationships. Family, friends, and then of course, yes, I think sometimes you can get that lucky blessed, and you can marry your soul mate.

Here is what I mean -

The Bible never says anything about another soul that God had already chosen for us. Sure, I believe that he can answer our prayers for a fit husband or wife, or someone whose heart is prepared just for us and our needs, but I don't believe that no matter what decisions you make in your life, you will ultimately end up finding this one person that was predestined to make you happy.

In Matthew 22:23-30 we are told about a couple where the husband died and the wife then became the wife of his first brother. Then the first brother died and she became the wife of the second brother. The second brother also died and then she was married to the third brother. In fact, a total of seven brothers, including her original husband, died and she became the wife of each until she finally died. So if you think society's view on soul mates is correct, then you must answer this question: Who was the wife’s soul mate?

There is though, in the Bible, examples of great relationships that are influenced by God, and their bond is bound by their faith.

“…the soul of Jonathan was knit to the soul of David, and Jonathan loved him as his own soul.”

  (1 Samuel 18:1, NKJV)

Wow. I've read this verse, but I've never really READ this verse. How beautiful. A soul being knit to another soul. Combined. Intertwined. It reminds me of my favorite quote from one of my favorite books - Wuthering Heights by Emily Brontë.

"Whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same."

 I believe that a soul mate isn't already picked out for you, but that you acquire one. It could be two girlfriends, it could be brothers, it could be anyone. It is someone that you connect with on a deeper level than just emotional or physical ...but on a deep spiritual level. It's hard to explain how that connection takes place, but I believe it just ... does.

If Jonathan was "knit to the soul" of David, what does that mean, exactly?  

It is the type of connection that makes it easy to feel what the other person is feeling. To rejoice in their happiness and be crushed in their adversity. When you see this person, and get a chance to share life experiences with them, it is like being able to talk to yourself. It is almost like being able to look into a mirror. A different kind of mirror, though. Not one that reflects just you in the here and now, but one where you can see all of the things you are lacking, and all of the things you some day hope to be. It is an inexplicable love for another soul so much so, that you almost feel like you are experiencing what they are experiencing. And I believe that this connection, once you make it, is constant. It isn't something that just goes away. Not over time or distance. And maybe not even death.

I think of my best friend when I think of feeling another person's pain. We have always told each other - "When you hurt, I hurt." And it's so true. When she had a miscarriage a few years ago, and lost her child, I felt a sharp aching in my heart for her that I couldn't shake. I went to bed with it, I woke up with it. My heart hurt when hers hurt. Or maybe, it was my soul. And when she finally did get to have her first child, my happiness for her poured out and spilled over. It was as if I were getting a gift added to my life, as well.

  

You can also see this type of indescribable loyalty, devotion, and love in Ruth.

“Entreat me not to leave you,
Or to turn back from following after you;
For wherever you lodge, I will lodge;
Your people shall be my people,
And your God, my God.
Where you die, I will die,
And there will I be buried.
The LORD do so to me, and more also,
If anything but death parts you and me."(Ruth 1:16-17, NKJV)

And even though I do not feel as though this type of "soul knitting" is always romantic relationships, what a magnificent thought ... that it could be.

I found this British Poem by Donte Gabriel Rossetti while researching soul mates, and it burned itself into my memory.

"I have been here before, but when or how I cannot tell:
I know the grass beyond the door,
The sweet keen smell, the sighing sound, the lights around the shore.
You have been mine before - How long ago I may not know:
But just when at that swallow's soar, your neck turned so,
Some veil did fall, - I knew it all of yore."

And so, for you who asked the question ... if you are reading this ....

 be hopeful, my friend.

Not because there is already a soul out in the world that is destined to find you. Not because you have been matched with another in Heaven and must follow that path set before you.

But because you can knit your soul together with whomever you choose. You can love their soul as your own. You can create your own phenomenon of soul mates with anyone you want. To find romantic love is incredible. And loyal friendships, exceptional. But to find another soul to connect with yours on such a beautiful, spiritual level ... seems... well, sacred.

Over the last few years I have come to understand the word love more than I ever thought I would. Getting married & creating a life has definitely helped with this understanding. So has making friends with those who have gotten cancer and have been given only a few months to live. Watching what they find important in their last days. What a beautiful thought that God breathed into us a spirit that can love in so many different ways.

And who says we have to have just one soul mate?
Maybe in our lifetime we can come to have soul collections.

Maybe we are created to knit our souls with many. Maybe that is the ultimate goal. To connect on many levels, but mostly on a spiritual one. To rejoice in the joys of others. To hurt in another person's pain. Doesn't this sound like the type of love that our awesome God would ultimately want? To love another soul as if it were our own?


Maybe, just maybe, the concept of a "soul mate" isn't so unbelievable after all.

{Photos: weheartit.com // Quote: Age Of Innocence, Edith Wharton}

"If all else perished, and he remained, I should still continue to be; and if all else remained, and he were annihilated, the universe would turn to a mighty stranger: I should not seem a part of it.” 

What are your thoughts on Soul Mates?

I hope you make the best of it.

Seriously.

My Daily Dose of Inspiration : Baron Batch

I am so glad that my co-worker showed me this video at lunch today!

What an inspiring guy.

You should probably take the time to check out his blog too.
Here is a post that gave me chills and brought tears to my eyes.
It really makes you think...

"Maybe nothing we do matters at all.........but....... what if everything does?"

Changing Us.

Live for something.

Do good, and leave behind you a monument of virtue that the storm of time can never destroy. Write your name in kindness, love, and mercy, on the hearts of thousands you come in contact with year by year; you will never be forgotten. Your name, your deeds, will be as legible on the hearts you leave behind as the stars on the brow of evening... Thousands of men breathe, move, and live; pass off the stage of life and are heard of no more. Why? They did not a particle of good in the world; and none were blessed by them, none could point to them as the instrument of their redemption; not a line they wrote, not a word they spoke, could be recalled, and so they perished--their light went out in darkness, and they were not remembered more than the insects of yesterday. Will you thus live and die, O man immortal?

Live for something.

-Thomas Chalmers

Your Hopeful Eyes.

When faced with two choices ....

Simply Toss A Coin.

It works not because it settles the question for you,

But because in that brief moment when the coin is in the air...

You Suddenly Know What You Are Hoping For.

More Than A Status Update.

I just finished reading an amazing book called Seeds: A Memoir by Dr. Sasha Vukelja. I have an appointment to see Dr. Vukelja (who is a hematologist) later this month and I had heard that this book was nothing short of inspirational. And it was true.

Something that has been playing over and over in my mind in the recent days after finishing the book, was a specific chapter in which she talks about the cancer patients that she meets on a regular basis and their attitudes. Some that expect their treatments and cancer journey to be fairly easy, and some that don't expect to live longer than the next six months. All of that talk about mortality and "seizing the day" really got me thinking.

What does it mean to truly Live?

I don't necessarily mean the purpose of our existence. But more the question of : when I come to the end of my life ... whenever that may be ... will I honestly be able to say that I lived?

Someone once said - "Do not fear death, rather, fear the unlived life."

Everyone has a different definition of a fulfilling life. For some, it would mean that they dedicated themselves to the service of others, constantly focused on helping orphans and the homeless. For others, it would mean that they got to travel the world. Learning everything they can about different cultures and people, leaving their mark everywhere they go. There are also those that dream about being parents, teaching their children everything they can about God's love, the beauty that surrounds us, and what it means to forgive. To each of us, living is a different feeling.

And I must confess. I am a little fearful of looking back on my life and being disappointed in myself for not only wasting so much time on things that do not matter, but also wishing that I had done more to touch the lives of others. I sometimes lay in bed at night and wonder if I would feel differently if I talked to every stranger I passed on the street. Just said one nice thing to them to make them smile. Or volunteered at a children's home, or traveled to Sicily and researched my family tree. I have so many ideas of what it would mean to live that I wouldn't be able to do them all in this lifetime.

You know what I think hurts us?

Technology.

I know what you are thinking. "Well, I wouldn't even be reading this now if it weren't for technology." Point well taken. ... But I'm serious.

We are so occupied in this day and age with what other people are doing, that we aren't doing anything ourselves. We watch countless television shows that may or may not be real stories and get so caught up in the plot and characters' lives that our own are passing us by.

Or we are so used to sitting for hours scrolling through facebook to see which friend is going to the game tomorrow and which friend just broke up with her boyfriend. All the while, time doesn't stop for us. We might as well type in our own status boxes -"wasting precious minutes of my own life by following every second of yours."

I'm guilty of it too. Boy, am I guilty.

And that is why I want to change it. I've always told myself how incredibly sad it must be to not be able to tell someone your grandmother's favorite flower or your husbands favorite childhood memory, but you can tell someone the favorite food of the monkey on Friends. (Ok. So no, I've never actually made that exact statement, but you get the point.)

Are we living?

Better yet, are we living our lives ...

or are we just a character in someone else's while ours are passing us by?

Make yours something more than a sitcom or a status.

Make it something that will LIVE ON long after you are gone.

"My life has been the poem I would have writ, but I could not both live and utter it."

-Henry David Thoreau

Keep in the sunlight.

Some of your hurts you have cured,
And the sharpest you still have survived,
But what torments of grief you endured
From the evil which never arrived.
~Ralph Waldo Emerson


I am an anxious person.

And that might be the understatement of the century.

I've gotten a lot better than I used to be, but I still over-analyze everything. And I'm a people pleaser. If I tell someone that I will be there at 4pm and I'm running 5 minutes late, I stress about it. If I playfully make a joke and the other person doesn't laugh, I wonder if they are upset with me. If I didn't order those two shirts that were on my to do list, I can't sleep wondering if my volunteers are going to be disappointed.

It's awful, really.

The worst part is that I usually tend to stress out about things before they even happen. I know it physically takes a toll me. And it really can't be good for the soul. I mean, I know it is good to want to be someone that people can count on, someone that always has the right things to say ... but stress and anxiety can also steal your heart away from God.

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." - Philippians 4:6-7

It was easy when we were kids, remember?

My days consisted of playing Legos with my brother, eating candy, and swallowing myself in stuffed animals on my bed when it was time to go to sleep. We didn't have things like bills, and jobs, and... well, REAL LIFE to worry about. All we had were big dreams.

But I've thought about it long and hard this weekend. And I've realized that all worry and anxiety is, ... is the reflection of lack of trust I must have in God and his plan. And the thought of that, is a lot harder to swallow than disappointing a volunteer, being late on a bill, or accidentally hurting someone's feelings.
I don't trust God enough.

I'm really ashamed.

Especially because of the fact that I'm not doing this alone. Not only do a have an amazing husband supporting me, a great family and some of the best friends, but I have comforting words from God himself that I am supposed to take to heart, but never have.

“An anxious heart weighs a man down, but a kind word cheers him up.”
-Proverbs 12:25

“Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.”
-1 Peter 5:6-7

“Then Jesus said to his disciples: ‘Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat; or about your body, what you will wear. Life is more than food, and the body more than clothes. Consider the ravens: They do not sow or reap, they have no storeroom or barn; yet God feeds them. And how much more valuable you are than birds! Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? Since you cannot do this very little thing, why do you worry about the rest?”
-Luke 12:22-26

“Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God.”
-Psalm 42:5


So from this point on, I'm finished with stress and anxiety. I DO trust that God will provide for me and take care of me. I realize that sometimes in life I will disappoint people, I won't always have the right things to say, my job won't always be easy, and I won't be able to finish the laundry and cook a healthy meal when I get home from one of my late night meetings.
But tomorrow will still come.

People that truly care about me will always be in my life, my volunteers will understand that I try my best, and my sweet husband ... bless his heart, fortunately, he doesn't mind eating pop tarts and jalapeno chips for dinner a couple of nights a month when I'm not here. :)

This time, I have a feeling, will be a success.

This time, I'm not just getting rid of my stress and anxiety for my own health, to make my life easier, to be a good example to our children someday, or so that I can sleep easier. Though all of those sound really good...

This time, I'm getting rid of it in order to show how much
I trust my God.

Because anyone who has any faith in God, has no reason to worry.

I should not have hid where my heart can't follow...

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

- e.e. Cummings