Who we are underneath + A new name ....

{photo from www.twopeasinabucket.com}

Some mornings, before my son awakes and we begin our day, I like to grab a warm cup of coffee and sit out on our back porch in the quiet stillness. There's something about the calmness of the morning that I can't explain. The crisp, cool air that fills my lungs. It triggers something in my memory. It stirs up inspiration in my most abandoned spaces in my soul. There's something about the warmth of the sunrise on my face. Our wind chimes being delicately blown by the gentle breeze. And the big beautiful tree in our backyard with its tiny white buds, whispering the promise of hopeful things to come. The buds are only pretty for a short time, and yesterday I realized that this year, I missed their prettiest days.

My husband and son are my whole world. And it takes a lot to keep my little world spinning. I want to protect them and serve them and fill them with joy. That time, my time in the morning to reflect and breathe and talk to God, is quickly gathered up by the sound of my son, waking up ready to laugh, ready to eat, ready to play. That moment though, as short as it may seem, is my moment to search the inner most depths of my heart. It is often the time of day when I feel closest to God. Before the day is filled up with being a wife and a mother, I am reminded who I am outside of those roles. A creation woven together with the most intricate details. One that still longs for creativity, passion, and adventure. One that is loved deeply. Completely. Unceasingly. I forget these things in the busyness of the day. I forget that in our most ordinary moments, we still have beautiful purpose. 

I've been wanting to get back to "personal" blogging for some time now. I just wasn't sure how. Some of you who follow my writing consistently might have noticed that I couldn't quite make up my mind for what I wanted the focus of this space to be. With the sudden reality of 30 also came a desperate need for authenticity. I've tried to do the funny mom blogger thing, the fashion and lifestyle writer, but those things just aren't me. At the end of the day, I'm a mess. An exhausted, imperfect, exceptionally ordinary mess. I wanted a new title.  Something that portrayed this desire to be used exactly where I am. If nothing else, I wanted a title that portrayed what I feel every day, at the end of the day, when I lay my head down on my pillow. I often ask myself, what have I accomplished today? Was it glorifying to my God? Was it beneficial to anyone else? Will it be remembered? And if not, will I be ok with that?  

I would find myself thinking of words throughout the day. Potential titles, all exploring the possibility of a life lived fully unscripted but not fully lived. A life with regrets, left wanting to do more, see more, get back time that we watch pass us by. I also thought of phrases that highlighted the importance of our day and what we do within it. The value we give it. Days filled with more than wrinkled hands from dish water and wadded up grocery lists. More than making messes and cleaning them up. More than macaroni and cheese and Thomas the Train. In fear of losing myself as a mother and housewife, I've started my own business, made plans to apply for my Master's Degree, started trying to write a novel, all in hopes of holding on as tightly as I can to that innovative spirit within that I so desperately do not want to lose. For what? To only clutter my moments up even more than they were. 

It wasn't until a couple of days ago that I stumbled upon a realization that not only gave me a title, it allowed a peace to settle over me for the first time in a long time. I had just put my son down for his nap, and I always wait just a few minutes after I don't hear him rolling around anymore to come back in his room and make sure his little legs are covered. So I covered him up, paused to watch him sleep for just a moment. I had so much I needed to do around the house. Design orders I needed to work on. Deciding what to make for dinner. But for some reason, on this day, I just wanted to watch my son sleep.  My husband and I had just heard of a story of a little boy named Eli who was the same age as our son, even looked a lot like him, and in the blink of an eye he choked on a piece of food. A few days later, he was gone. A tiny, precious little life that was running and playing one day ... is gone the next. It's just that fast. Though the family was extremely strong and even donated his kidneys to another child in need saying that "Eli served his purpose on this earth to save another child", I still know that in the days to come, once that family returns home to as much "normalcy" as possible and an extremely quiet house, the pain would be almost too much to bear. I'm not sure if it was just the overwhelming emotion that hit me at that moment watching my son sleep or the exhaustion ... or both, but my legs collapsed underneath me and I just sat there. Indian style on the floor. Right in front of his bed. 

I just ... sat there.  

How can I possibly think of a name for my blog that perfectly represents my life right now, when from moment to moment it is so different? It's so chaotic and hectic and overwhelming. It's making messes all day long. It's "no don't throw that in the sink", "no don't push that under the couch", "no, don't spit that out." But it's also beautiful in every way. Every moment is an opportunity to teach and shape my child. And in the middle of all of the chaos, there IS always beautiful purpose. Even in little Eli's life, as short as it was, they were able to find purpose and peace. Not to mention there are those moments, like this one right now - when I'm watching my son sleep. And he looks so peaceful, ... and perfect. And I know when he wakes up he will want me to just hold him for a while. Before anything. Before he plays, before he gets a drink, he just wants me to HOLD HIM. And he'll put his head on my shoulder, wrap his little legs around my waist and breath a sigh of relief. Momma's got me. What a wonderful privilege I have. So how can I possibly make sense of the fact that life is complete bliss all while it sometimes throws us curve balls that shake us to the core and have us dropping to our knees??? And then it hit me.  Like I mentioned earlier, we are creations woven together with the most intricate details by the most amazing God. And these moments in our lives that stop us in our tracks ... they don't MAKE us who we are, they REVEAL who we are, underneath. They unravel us at the seams, but in a good way. They strip away all of the trivial things in life, the material things, and remind us what is most important.  

 Yes, it's hard. Yes, it's work. YES, YOU LOSE YOURSELF.

But the best part is, it's worth it. And every morning when your coffee on the porch is interrupted by the sweet sound of a perfect little person waking up, you get to find yourself...

.... again and again.